Zuby

Zuby.
Ernest Samuel Llime - May 2009, Woodhaven

Be forewarned - I have been told that this is a sick, disgusting and very nasty story. Read at your own risk!

So, if you think you're ready and you do not have a weak stomach here we go. Do not blame me if you toss your cookies after reading this one.
I would only say: I TOLD YOU SO!

Ali was a Palestinian kid growing up in Gaza. Of all the kids in his class, he was the smartest and he grew up to be big, strong and wise beyond his years. Unfortunately, he was living in a place and at a time that did not favor survival of the fittest, the most beautiful, or the smartest. His mind as well as a lot of other young minds, were nurtured, nourished and ripened for the picking by any black hat that came along.

My definition of a black hat is that of a charismatic religious/popular leader that is corrupting the people who look up to him with his twisted unrealistic dogmas. I am deliberately leaving that sentence in the male form - I can't quite point out any women with a similar agenda. Just to be clear, that hat could be a turban, a fedora, a kamelaukion*, a zucchetto*, or a yarmulka* and it could just as easily belong to a Greek Orthodox priest, a Hindu swami, a Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi (check out the One Frum Skeptic for a cute blog entry) as it could belong to a mullah.
*kamelaukion - a tall cylindrical black hat worn by Greek Orthodox priests
*zucchetto - a little skullcap worn by the Pope (white), a cardinal (red), or a Catholic priest or deacon (black)
*yarmulka - a skullcap worn by religious Jews. Black ones are usually worn by the more Orthodox amongst them.

Enough with the digression and back to the story.

When he turned 18 his parents were starting to worry, that he did not show any interest in getting a wife. He would always say: "Allah will take care of that for me." What he actually meant was that he didn't think he would be on Earth much longer and a wife would only get in the way of his purpose. He wasn't sure what that exact purpose was, but like the mullah kept telling him, he was ready and willing to do his part in throwing the Izrailis into the sea, so they can all swim back to whatever countries they all came from. It didn't occur to him that some Izrailis might be too young to swim, after all this was a Jihad commanded by Allah (well, that's what the mullah said) and little details like that would be cared for through the mercy, the power, the greatness and the wisdom of Allah. Besides, they were all unbelievers, so what difference did it make anyway?
Another note on the wife subject: he was thoroughly prepared to await his promised 72 virgins and on a selfish level (that he was somewhat ashamed of) he was actually saving himself for that sublime bliss. After all, how could any mortal female compare to the heavenly virgins provided by Allah himself? No chance!

It was less than 6 months later that his mission was revealed to him. In the time honored tradition of Palestinian martyrdom, he followed the protocol of videotaping his legacy to prosperity and to his friends and family (when visiting the Middle East, you should pick up a couple of these videos - look for the ones with subtitles - they're hilarious, or tragically ridiculous, depends on your interpretation.) So, anyway, he just mouthed the usual diatribes against American Imperialism, Worldwide Zionism, Izrail's usurpation of the land of his forefathers, etc. On a private note, he urged his parents to use the money they were going to receive as a blessing for his sacrifice, to rebuild their home which was seriously damaged (by the Israelis) in some skirmish or such. As a last note he assured his sainted mother that Allah will indeed provide him with 72 virgin women, so she need not worry about those things anymore.

Everything worked like clockwork. He was smuggled into Israel with his bomb packed vest as intact as himself in spite of the exceedingly hot day. In due time, he made it to Tel-Aviv where he sat down at an outdoor table in a little cafe on Dizengoff street and ordered himself a medium latte (his English was actually quite good, I told you he was a very talented lad.) To passersby he looked like just another slightly chubby tourist wearing a fashionably oversized t-shirt. When the tables filled up with young customers, he pulled on this little string that was attached to his vest and that was lights-out for him, 7 young Israelis and a young Russian girl on her first (and sadly last) visit to Israel. Another 15 suffered a variety of contusions, lacerations, shock and the like.

Sadly enough, the Israeli authorities have had lots of practice in dealing with these kinds of situations. So the police, the Red Magen David ambulances, as well as a bevy of journalists showed up in almost no time at all. They all did their respective jobs effectively and in the shortest possible time, the wounded were gone to the hospital, the evidence was gathered by the bomb squad experts and the journalists went back to their respective desks to sort out the pictures, find the ones that were printable and write their versions of what had just happened, to be reviewed by their editor-in chief.

The last thing left was for the cleaning crews to pick up the pieces and attempt to wash the blood off the walls and pavement. This job belonged to the ZAKA, (an acronym of Zihuy Korbanot Ason, literally: "Disaster Victim Identification") an organization of volunteers who see to it that Jews receive a proper burial (amongst other things). ZAKA was involved in helping forensic teams in Thailand, India, Sri Lanka, and Indonesia in the aftermath of the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake where they were nicknamed "the team that sleeps with the dead" because of their willingness to work around the clock.

Anyway, while picking up pieces of shredded flesh, Moshi, one of the crew, came upon the body of the visiting young Russian girl. She was covered in gore, and grotesquely twisted. While straightening up her limbs Moshi was surprised to see something stuck in her mouth. To his great amazement, after prying her teeth apart he pulled out an only very slightly damaged and somewhat over average penis. He tried to mentally reconstruct the sequence of events and what he came up with was that the girl was either opening her mouth to take a sip of coffee, or she may have been saying something to her companions at the time of the explosion - meanwhile the bomber's organ, torn by the force of the detonation flew across the separating 3 or four tables into her open mouth where it lodged itself between her teeth. That whole scenario made him break into a loud demented laugh. The entire team congregated around him trying to shield him from prying eyes; they were sure that he had snapped. "Not at all" he reassured them, " it's just that for a moment I imagined hearing the voice of Allah and he was saying: 'Here you go little cousin, your very first virgin.' " (needless to say that didn't reassure anyone.)

I TOLD YOU SO!
If you've read this far, you only have yourself to blame.

If you do not speak Arabic or Hebrew in addition to Russian you have no way of knowing that the word "zuby" means cock or penis in Arabic (as well as in Hebrew slang) and it means teeth in Russian.